Page: 75
Chapter: 6 “Into Action”
Subject: Discussing ourselves with another person
A Fifth Step is a serious matter. Today we see the co-authors are making no bones about that, with some very direct and serious directions regarding how a proper Fifth Step is conducted.
- What do we have? We have a written inventory and
- We are prepared for what? We are prepared for a long talk.
Here, longer is not necessarily better, although to the ambitious, this can appear to be the case.
Remember, we are not confessing our “wrongs” – this talk is an admission of the ‘nature’ of those wrongs, not a run-through of each item listed in the 4th step inventory.
The discussion is limited to the protégés involvement – not the person, principle or institution. (It is very dangerous to be revisiting every single line in an inventory this at this stage of the process. The 5th step will be wasted.)
Dragging through the first two columns of a written inventory will induce a gut-wrenching, emotional session that seems very productive for the emotional disturbance induced, but that was supposed to have happened already during a 4th step. To inconsiderately drag a protégé through those first two columns once again after he has just done it already God is cruel and self-serving.
Shorter duration Fifth Steps that stick with discussing "the exact nature of our wrongs" as directed are very effective. Day and night long, overemotional tear-jags, rehashing an entire 4th Step Inventories makes for good showmanship, but they are not effective. The elation such emotional tests of endurance induce are short-lived.
The following is very useful when doing this vital step with someone not normally involved in this 12 step recovery method of spiritual awakening.
- What do we explain to the person who is to hear us?
We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it.
This is useful when doing this with someone not involved in this 12 step recovery method.
- How seriously should this person take the task?
He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand.
There are some folks, even in the AA fellowship, who do not realize this. That is why it is important to be doing this with someone who is not going to change our plan. (The one we have adopted (not adapted) out of this book)
Watch for complications, introductions of foreign ideas, like discussions of “instincts," odd prayers, or a focus upon columns one and two - or anything else the Big Book co-authors never considered or wrote of during this phase of the process. Maybe some of these things ought to be brought up - but NOT NOW.
This is a specific process to be conducted within a specific timeline in order to replicate the same results, and simplicity is of the essence. This is an extraordinarily bad time to be experimenting with the 12 & 12, Deepak Chopra, ancient Aztec philosophies or Hazelton publications, and third party 12 Step "Workbooks." (Copyrighted? Really?)
- If we convey the seriousness of the Fifth Step task how will most people feel about doing this for us?
Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.Peace and Love,
Danny S – RLRA
Real Live Recovered Alcoholic
http://stepelevencomesalive.blogspot.com/
Even if one doesn’t drink again, an unfocused, protracted fifth step will miss the mark and fail, because it dilutes the attention that is supposed to be on our shortcomings, the nature of our wrongs, by getting emotionally distracted with the wrongs and 'trespasses against us" committed by others (as it properly was during the 4th step between the prospect and God)
ReplyDeleteA 5th step is NEVER going to work when it merely consists of nothing more than an oral presentation of a 4ths step - 'cept with "feedback." And if THAT is how a 5th step is facilitated – then it is facilitated at all.
Many AAs believe they have done a 5th step. And haven’t - despite all the emotional roller-coaster riding done with a “sponsor’ It is no wonder steps 6 & 7 are so barley understood and hardly done either with poorly informed and practiced "sponsorship" so rampant in AA. ~danny
Danny-you make some interesting points-but points that raise questions:) I've shared inventory a few time and mostly the person will just listen, occasionally asking questions. The last time I did this I was told you have 2 hours-now share what's really important and tell me what's really going on behind all this? What's causing all this! I found out I want other to agree with me and do what I want! As I want comfort, thrills, admirations, validation, and excitment! This I never saw in the inventory but the chap helped me to see it.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask what you do in a 5th Step. I have one coming up with a guy next week and he has written a lot and yes I agree a rehash of this in oral form will not be beneficial or productive.
Be interested and open to any pointers.
Many thanks.
Richard
That two hour deal sounds like you did it with someone who really knew what they were doing. You were there not to discuss "this" but what is "behind this" There is a distinction and the man taking you through it knew it. (a two hour talk can be very appropriate - all one hour talks take two hours, it seems. haha)
ReplyDelete<<" comfort, thrills, admirations, validation, and excitement!" >>
YES! These are usually and quickly surface for sure, typically in a one-on-one situation where there are items in a person’s past they just must bring to light – (traumas done to them or specific harms too)
Each and every one you have mentioned, are derivatives of those Big Four at the top of a column 4 inventory, (selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened) so certainly I do consider them valid and to be included in the "nature of our wrongs" talk. These are words which come up in the course of one-on-one discussion even though not actually 'written' in a 4th step inventory.
ReplyDeleteStill there are definite “wrongs' which will be discussed a little more in depth, because it will be helpful. When they are, you will notice that it often induces a catharsis, an emotional release very similar to what happens in psychotherapy and in "talking cure" situations. It produces the "I feel better I got that off my chest" effect. It’s a real effect, and has some value in the moment but it has no permanent effect if the 'nature' of the person who committed the error doesn’t change. (That’s why folks go to counseling for years and years, and churches for a lifetime, or get addicted to multiple inventories and 5th steps, and sponsor-dependent relationships - with no lasting answers to their problems - only a constantly mounting need to repeat the 'relief' emanating out of the never ceasing guilt)
A spontaneous inducing of catharsis has its place but is NOT a chief object of a 5th step and a session which focuses on is not full-filling its mission but distracting from it.
Sticking with the “nature” of wrongs, and omitting as much of the minutiae in the dramas, can seem unsatisfying to the man only looking for 'relief', who has no intention of (going to any length) moving on through rapid completion of amends (ala Dr Bob) and then 10, and 11, (so he can do 12) leaving no part of these out, especially not meditation. But when someone goes forward from a step 5 meeting that has properly excluded the emotional reliving of the item-by-item ‘sins’ of his offenders, then there is no revisiting the bitterness to which he is likely still subject. (He hasn’t experienced true “Forgiveness” of his enemies- that is yet to come.) Attention must be drawn to his negative, shameful and harmful involvement with the world and those in it. This is what we want! The worse a prospect feels about the nature of HIS wrongs -- the better!
However unless he begins living a lifestyle that deals with the Stream of Life in ‘real-time’ (Step 10) and pickup prayer and meditation, (Step 11) he does not experience ongoing improvement of God consciousness, and will ALWAYS resort right back into the “bedeviling” attitude and self-centered behavior of his past. (Even though he does not drink) When a failure to add spiritual process of step 10 and 11, into their lives, then an unfulfilling 5th step can cited (or any place in the process where the sponsor was directly involved in facilitation) as a cause, rather than looking to the real case – evading God consciousness in favor of, “feel good” routine and “process”.
ReplyDeleteI make it clear to my protégées that,” I am not here to fulfill you,” but that I am there to facilitate a process with them out of a book so they can the same experience I (we) had when we (I) did it. and that experience is to get on a path that lead to discovering God and that path only comes through God Consciousness. I tell them that this (5th Step) is probably NOT going to be what they expect and that if they think I am going to sit there for 5 or six hours while they read they inventory to me and cry they are sadly mistaken. They have heard of ‘5th steps’ like this and may have come to expect it. (I’ve done them BIG LONG ALL NIGHTERS full of incredibly woeful tales that truly are heartbreaking. These session have never had a lasting effect. None.) I tell explain to them that we are not going to discuss their wrongs, or the wrongs of everyone on their list but we are going to disuses the “nature” of HIS wrongs – wrongs he has ALREADY admitted to himself and God and now ‘admit’ to me, another human being. The legendary 5th step sessions we hear of are not depicted in the Big Book, or in any AA literature. By and large they are anecdotal stories told by middle-of-the-road AAs who have been bitten by the secular talking cure bug and would rather play amateur psychoanalyst than facilitate an enduring spiritual experience that happens between two sincere human beings bent on getting an ill person to God for healing.
Having protégés hammer themselves on the head (again) in our presence with the wrongs of others (because we don’t know what else to do) instead of keeping the conversation on discussing the nature of their own wrongs (which we will do if we follow the directions) is one of those things that has leached into AA, unfortunately. It makes good drama. Puts us ‘sponsors’ into positions of power as we hold onto the gushing raw innards of our emotionally vulnerable protégés, entrusted with the power to jiggle with their emotions and derive vicarious pleasure when we can “feel their pain”. But it doesn’t help in the long run and is distracting to the real purpose.
Lovingly steering the protégés OFF columns one and two (the left side) and keeping his wheel running on the ‘right side” (columns 3 and 4) is how I do it. It must be done with patience and love though. “Now tell me about this one. Now tell me about that one” – They ramble on about the event INSTEAD of the ‘nature’ of their wrongs, don’t they? Just always keep redirecting the discussion back to their shortcoming and NOT the events (not the shortcomings of others or of the world)
When a prospect comes out of a 5th step being able to look the world in the eye, THAT characterizes a positive effect that means something profound. But if his delight" is only derived out of the relief that comes from feeling, "Thank God THAT’S over" then his satisfaction is merely a cheap knockoff of true freedom. It will melt fast.
Long and fast answer but I hope that helps. djs